Poems – Only in Erinsborough

Train Wreck Elly

What’s going on with train wreck Elly?
There’s a baby in her belly.

What’s going on with train wreck Elly?
There’s a baby in her belly.
She thought ‘I’m preggers’ then was not.
And now she is, but she’s in a spot.

Surprise, surprise, Mark’s not the dad
Cos Elly got both drunk and mad.
Met a stranger in a bar.
Oh Elly! What a fool you are!

Have you never read the script?
With every cocktail that you sipped,
The viewers knew your fate was sealed.
And a secret always gets revealed.

It won’t be long before you see
That the ‘stranger’ is known to Susan, Bea,
And Doctor K, and Clancy too.
Yes, everyone in town but you!

How could you be so silly, Elly??
With the brother of Finn Kelly!
How are you going to fix this mess?
Keep on pretending, or confess?

We’ll all sit back and watch the ride
Cos we know what you’ve got to hide.
Your waist growing large, your ankles swelly.
You won’t like that much, train wreck Elly!

No more wine to smooth your day,
Your skimpy tops all packed away.
Maybe you’ll confide in Chlo,
She is your favourite girl-to-go

For comfort of the female kind.
I’m pretty sure that she won’t mind.
Oh Ellypoos, you’re up shit creek.
You wrecked your life in one short week.

So we’ll be firmly glued to telly
To see what’s next for train wreck Elly!

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Dipi’s Magic Tea

Dipi has a special tea,
She’s made for Shane quite secretly.

For years he thought he was the best,
His libido way above the rest.

But oh! He’s feeling duped and sad,
To think that all the romps he’s had,

Were only down to a potent leaf.
His pecker’s low, he’s filled with grief.

And then to Chloe he did go
But quite what for we didn’t know!

Alas for Shane, Paul got to hear
Of Chloe’s service, dear oh dear!

And so Shane’s secret was exposed.
A dirty one, his wife supposed.

And Dipi, being a hothead type,
Sent Chloe flying with a swipe.

But wait, she’d jumped to the wrong conclusion,
Leading to some more confusion.

Why could Dipi just not see
That Shane was only chatting pee.

And who’d have thought that just a cuppa
Nearly gave rise to Shane’s last supper?

© Carol Ann Wood
September 2018

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Reviving Clive

Clive Gibbons is a hunky man.
He’s finding Sheila fruity.
He wants to love her all the time
And revels in her beauty.

But Clive he is a CEO,
He works long hours you see,
Which takes it’s toll and interferes
With the body’s gravity.

Poor Clive felt sad and sought some help,
But wait, he went to Dipi!
And later, did we see him run
To Sheila rather nippy?

And passion on the patio
Was the order of the day.
It’s hot and steamy in the street
When Shive come out to play!

But what is this great mystery?
Did Dipi spike his tea
With something rather magical
To cause such change in he?

Did she dance for him in Harold’s,
In a costume so alluring
That lovely Clive did thus revive?
What was her way of curing?

We hope soon all will be explained
Before Shane gets to hear.
As, like all Erinsborough men,
He’d get the wrong idea!

Well, we should thank her for her skill,
However it was done.
Our favourite couple in the street
Can once more have some fun!

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The Communal Date

A hot date night for Mark and Elly,
Karl and Susan watch the telly,

Bea just puts her earphones in
So she doesn’t hear the din.

Karl will strum on his old guitar
As Mark is fiddling with a bra.

Just your average Neighbours scene,
Where everybody does convene.

Maybe Gary should appear,
With sausages and tins of beer.

Clive and Sheila, Mishti, too,
With her cross stitch and a ringside view.

Piper perhaps could do a vlog,
The minute Mark and Elly snog.

David, Leo, looking dapper.
Dipi quoting lines from Flapper.

Come in, the entertainment’s great
On Mark and Elly’s public date!

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The Bea’s Knees

Bea is with the scheming Finn,
She doesn’t know the mess she’s in.

He’s nasty, evil, full of lies.
And currently in dark disguise.

Sisters are not all the same.
Some are wild and some are tame.

But some things match for Bea and Elly.
Both were fooled by crackpot Kelly.

Both have body parts on show,
In all the clothes they wear, you know.

Elly’s shoulders, always bare,
And now Bea’s knees are seeing the air.

With bits of denim, more of flesh,
She’s ready for an Elly sesh.

Let’s hope these sisters catch Finn out
And reconcile with girly clout.

We need to see them as a force.
With knees and shoulders showing, of course!

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Pecs and Sex

Ramsay Street has gone full sex,
Gardens full of well toned pecs.
Bare bums down at Stephy’s spa!
What next? Nude Elly at the bar?

David and his spouse to be
Were in the buff fo all to see!
Bums and torsos everywhere!
Viewers wish that they lived there.

Even Gary’s chef’s attire
This week would set a girl on fire.
And now in Sheila’s backyard roams
A sight more interesting than gnomes.

Dipi’s eyes are filled with glee.
The street’s new Lady Chatterley?
So Cassius, you should be wary.
Erinsborough women can be scary!

Even business-like Terese
Won’t be averse to showing you praise.
So if you mean to stay a while,
You’d best wear more than just a smile.

Or else you’ll thus have sealed your fate:
To be the breakfast on their plate!

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Dipi’s Trail Of Destruction

Dipi’s on the warpath,
And we’re trembling in her wake.
Dipi love, step back in line,
Stay calm for goodness sake!

You’ve turned into a footy thug,
An overzealous mum.
Believe me, you must curb your rage,
Or no good will surely come.

You’ve now been told to stay at home
Whenever Yashvi plays,
You really need to heed her words,
Or she’ll end her footy days.

And who will come and buy your cakes
If you’re charged soon with assault?
You’ve no one else to blame for this,
Yes, it was all your fault!

So maybe go to yoga,
Do some quiet meditation,
Or very soon your own dear sis
Will haul you down the Station!

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The Return Of Plain Jane Super Brain

It’s been years since the fun days of Scott and Charlene,
And their neighbour, Nell Mangel, the street’s strait-laced queen.
It’s been years since a young girl, all prim, shy and meek
Was taken aside and transformed, from a geek
Into a chic stunner, but now Jane is back.
And she’s snooping around like a self-sleuthing hack!

She’s peeking in cupboards, no longer her own.
She’s making some secretive calls on her phone.
She’s acting quite strange as this story unfurls.
But why has she now gone all ‘twinset and pearls’?
Gone is the glam girl with many a fan.
Oh Jane! We all think you’ve turned into your nan!

You need to go shopping with Dipi and co,
To get back the style that you had long ago.
We love your sweet ways and the way that you care,
But reclaim the girl, for we know she’s still there!
Enough watching serious news on the telly,
Get silly with Sonya; get plastered with Elly!

We know that your nan said to ‘Keep yourself nice’,
But you’ve gone a bit far in obeying her advice!
And what is this mystery searching all for?
A time capsule maybe, or a body in store?
We love that you’re back in our favourite place,
We’re ever so happy to see your sweet face.

We want you to stay and get storylines darker.
A love romp or two, and a spat with Sue Parker!
Come Jane, let your hair down, you’re in a cool ’hood,
And you can be sassy as well as being good!

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David Tanaka In Cambridge

Oh please let’s bring David to Cambridge!
He’s really a top, cultured guy.
He’d love all the literature, art and the style,
We can’t let this chance pass us by.
He’d love our Cantabrigian people,
Eclectic and fun as we are.
He could chat about medical matters
In a stylish and upmarket bar.

Imagine the envy of Leo
When he sees all the pics of his twin,
And Paul would be stunned by the art works,
And the venues his son had been in.
Imagine the gifts he could gather
For his Ramsay Street neighbours back home.
For Sheila, there’s only one thing it could be.
A brand new Cantabrigian gnome!

It’s a chance for sweet David to blossom,
And to have some adventures to boot.
For I know of a few handsome locals
Who would think this young doctor quite cute!
Oh if David came over to Cambridge
His loved ones would see with fresh eyes
That David has depths undiscovered,
He’d give all the clan a surprise!

Oh please let’s bring David to Cambridge,
He could punt down the Cam like a pro.
He could cycle this city at sunset,
There are so many places to go!
Oh I’d love to see David in Cambridge,
In the form of Takaya, I mean.
For I’d chat of the Street if we ever did meet,
And we’d star in our own Neighbours scene!

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Don’t Get Too Busy, Izzy

Izzy, oh Izzy, so scheming and bad,
She turns Karl to jelly
But makes Susan mad.
Wherever there’s Izzy, then trouble will follow.
Her lies and her half-truths get harder to swallow.
Except for the doctor, who falls for each line.
He promises this time that things will be fine.
But what’s Izzy hiding, and what can it mean?
It always ends badly when she’s on the scene.
It’s never straightforward as Susan oft utters,
A barbecue tool in her hand as she mutters.
I’d watch out for gremlins oh fair Isabelle,
Cos Susan’s revengeful and angry as hell.
You’ve pushed all her buttons, invaded her space.
And Erinsborough’s always a dangerous place!
A car with a ‘brake fail,’ a well shooting or two.
A well to get trapped down – it could happen to you!
A fall from a building, a fire or a drowning.
I wouldn’t get smug as that champagne you’re downing.
For Susan is tough and not naive or dumb.
And the viewers all know that she smothered her mum!

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