Only in Erinsborough

Dee: The Mystery Solved!

I think I’ve solved the mystery of who, and what, and where is Dee!
She’s maybe Andrea as well, who caused such pain and merry hell
And – just as Alice wasn’t Alice – Andrea, intent on malice,
Prepares to hook the grieving Toad, once more he’s on a rocky road.
And now that Karen’s in the mix, and Ian too, it’s quite a fix.
For what it’s worth, my view is this: A demented Heather found Dee Bliss
All washed up with no memory. And Heather thought ‘now, let me see,
I’ll take her in and tell her she is my dead daughter. Clever, me!
‘She’ll be a mum to Willow now!’ said Heather, ‘poor deluded cow’.
But over the years, her plan went wrong. The two just didn’t get along.
Then Andrea and Willow fled, with cleaning jobs to keep them fed.
Until one day quite cold and windy, there came unsuspecting Cindi.
She could not believe her eyes. ‘Why, Dee?!’ She cried in shocked surprise.
And so the two cooked up a plan, to hoodwink Cindi’s former man.
And thus the great and complex con went on (and on, and on, and on.)
Or maybe Andrea isn’t Dee, but Karen with no memory.
Or then again, she’s maybe not. Now where were we? I’ve quite forgot.
Ah yes, they’re triplets! There, it’s solved! (But how did Ian get involved?)
Perhaps it was like Bouncer’s dream where nothing is as it would seem?
There has to be a link perhaps to every Neighbours memory lapse.
A Susan slip, A Harold lost, a Zeke canoed and a Bad Finn tossed.
And not forgetting Father Jack, before he got his memory back.
Plus poor dear Sonya’s wedding day, her happy vows all brushed away.
I wonder if we’ll see an end, it’s driving viewers round the bend.
Just stop this madness hard to bear, and tell us if Dee’s still out there.
Perhaps we could just all calmly sit, and finally make some sense of it.
When we switch on, please make it true: It’s really nineteen ninety two!

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Train Wreck Elly

What’s going on with train wreck Elly?
There’s a baby in her belly.

What’s going on with train wreck Elly?
There’s a baby in her belly.
She thought ‘I’m preggers’ then was not.
And now she is, but she’s in a spot.

Surprise, surprise, Mark’s not the dad
Cos Elly got both drunk and mad.
Met a stranger in a bar.
Oh Elly! What a fool you are!

Have you never read the script?
With every cocktail that you sipped,
The viewers knew your fate was sealed.
And a secret always gets revealed.

It won’t be long before you see
That the ‘stranger’ is known to Susan, Bea,
And Doctor K, and Clancy too.
Yes, everyone in town but you!

How could you be so silly, Elly??
With the brother of Finn Kelly!
How are you going to fix this mess?
Keep on pretending, or confess?

We’ll all sit back and watch the ride
Cos we know what you’ve got to hide.
Your waist growing large, your ankles swelly.
You won’t like that much, train wreck Elly!

No more wine to smooth your day,
Your skimpy tops all packed away.
Maybe you’ll confide in Chlo,
She is your favourite girl-to-go

For comfort of the female kind.
I’m pretty sure that she won’t mind.
Oh Ellypoos, you’re up shit creek.
You wrecked your life in one short week.

So we’ll be firmly glued to telly
To see what’s next for train wreck Elly!

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Dipi’s Magic Tea

Dipi has a special tea,
She’s made for Shane quite secretly.

For years he thought he was the best,
His libido way above the rest.

But oh! He’s feeling duped and sad,
To think that all the romps he’s had,

Were only down to a potent leaf.
His pecker’s low, he’s filled with grief.

And then to Chloe he did go
But quite what for we didn’t know!

Alas for Shane, Paul got to hear
Of Chloe’s service, dear oh dear!

And so Shane’s secret was exposed.
A dirty one, his wife supposed.

And Dipi, being a hothead type,
Sent Chloe flying with a swipe.

But wait, she’d jumped to the wrong conclusion,
Leading to some more confusion.

Why could Dipi just not see
That Shane was only chatting pee.

And who’d have thought that just a cuppa
Nearly gave rise to Shane’s last supper?

© Carol Ann Wood
September 2018

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A Rainbow Of Love

On a bright Melbourne day, in a suburb we know,
Came a magical time in our favourite show.

Where Aaron and David were married at last;
An occasion much longed for by viewer and cast.

In typical fashion, there came a few glitches.
But we all adore Neighbours for farcical hitches.

Wherever was Susan our celebrant, sweet,
Our own goody-two-shoes and queen of the street?

She raced to get back but she found to her ire
They’d replaced her, as time was going down to the wire.

‘I’m here now!’ cried Susan, determined and gritty.
But Jemima just sniggered and answered, ‘Tough titty!’

She butchered the speech and she made it her own,
The other guests laughed, Susan’s face was like stone.

Poor Aaron was pained but he’d strutted up aisle,
His bad back forgotten, for his husband, a smile.

Then a beautiful touch brought a rainfall of tears.
With Scott and Charlene, we all rolled back the years.

And, during reception, two guests crept away
To give in to their passions. Terese! Ooh I say!

With feathers in hair, they crept back just in time
For the most slushy toasts (though, thank god, not in rhyme!)

But Susan was still in an unfriendly state.
It should have been her speech, it would have been great!

And now there was dog shit to cap a bad day.
I mean, what other horrors could be coming her way?

The old banger crumbled as Suze scraped her shoe,
And then came Jemima. Oh what a to-do!

Oh heavens, poor Susan’s day wasn’t going well.
She’d just met Karl’s sister – the sister from hell!

And wouldn’t you know it, she’s homeless and broke.
And Karl is well known as a gullible bloke.

But let’s not digress from the sweet tale we saw.
So tender, so happy, emotion so raw.

When history was made and with not one dry eye,
A rainbow of love graced the Erinsborough sky.

© Carol Ann Wood
September 2018

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Reviving Clive

Clive Gibbons is a hunky man.
He’s finding Sheila fruity.
He wants to love her all the time
And revels in her beauty.

But Clive he is a CEO,
He works long hours you see,
Which takes it’s toll and interferes
With the body’s gravity.

Poor Clive felt sad and sought some help,
But wait, he went to Dipi!
And later, did we see him run
To Sheila rather nippy?

And passion on the patio
Was the order of the day.
It’s hot and steamy in the street
When Shive come out to play!

But what is this great mystery?
Did Dipi spike his tea
With something rather magical
To cause such change in he?

Did she dance for him in Harold’s,
In a costume so alluring
That lovely Clive did thus revive?
What was her way of curing?

We hope soon all will be explained
Before Shane gets to hear.
As, like all Erinsborough men,
He’d get the wrong idea!

Well, we should thank her for her skill,
However it was done.
Our favourite couple in the street
Can once more have some fun!

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The Communal Date

A hot date night for Mark and Elly,
Karl and Susan watch the telly,

Bea just puts her earphones in
So she doesn’t hear the din.

Karl will strum on his old guitar
As Mark is fiddling with a bra.

Just your average Neighbours scene,
Where everybody does convene.

Maybe Gary should appear,
With sausages and tins of beer.

Clive and Sheila, Mishti, too,
With her cross stitch and a ringside view.

Piper perhaps could do a vlog,
The minute Mark and Elly snog.

David, Leo, looking dapper.
Dipi quoting lines from Flapper.

Come in, the entertainment’s great
On Mark and Elly’s public date!

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The Leaving Of Steph

There is no single storyline
That Steph has not lived through.
We’ve felt her pain, we’ve cried her tears,
As the poor girl’s anguish grew.

We’ve seen her laugh in happy times,
We’ve watched as she’s fought back.
This Sully woman won’t be beat,
She’s the toughest nut to crack.

From when her sister broke her heart
To illness, loss and birth,
We’ve hoped for better times ahead
When Steph could see her worth.

Now, finally, she’s heading off,
Her precious boys beside her.
She’s had her life rebuilt at last
With her best friend Toad to guide her.

It never was an easy ride
When she sped back to town.
Mistrust from some and then the time
Paul tried to bring her down.

But still our Steph did not give up
And won some hearts once more.
It’s hard to say goodbye to her
When we’re always wanting more.

We’re oh so glad that Lynie’s ‘Staphy’
Got her happy end.
You’ve touched the viewers hearts for years,
To us, you are a friend.

Wishing all the best to Carla Bonner and hope that you will reappear in your new happy place as Stephanie Jo Scully in the future

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The Bea’s Knees

Bea is with the scheming Finn,
She doesn’t know the mess she’s in.

He’s nasty, evil, full of lies.
And currently in dark disguise.

Sisters are not all the same.
Some are wild and some are tame.

But some things match for Bea and Elly.
Both were fooled by crackpot Kelly.

Both have body parts on show,
In all the clothes they wear, you know.

Elly’s shoulders, always bare,
And now Bea’s knees are seeing the air.

With bits of denim, more of flesh,
She’s ready for an Elly sesh.

Let’s hope these sisters catch Finn out
And reconcile with girly clout.

We need to see them as a force.
With knees and shoulders showing, of course!

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Pecs and Sex

Ramsay Street has gone full sex,
Gardens full of well toned pecs.
Bare bums down at Stephy’s spa!
What next? Nude Elly at the bar?

David and his spouse to be
Were in the buff fo all to see!
Bums and torsos everywhere!
Viewers wish that they lived there.

Even Gary’s chef’s attire
This week would set a girl on fire.
And now in Sheila’s backyard roams
A sight more interesting than gnomes.

Dipi’s eyes are filled with glee.
The street’s new Lady Chatterley?
So Cassius, you should be wary.
Erinsborough women can be scary!

Even business-like Terese
Won’t be averse to showing you praise.
So if you mean to stay a while,
You’d best wear more than just a smile.

Or else you’ll thus have sealed your fate:
To be the breakfast on their plate!

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Dipi’s Trail Of Destruction

Dipi’s on the warpath,
And we’re trembling in her wake.
Dipi love, step back in line,
Stay calm for goodness sake!

You’ve turned into a footy thug,
An overzealous mum.
Believe me, you must curb your rage,
Or no good will surely come.

You’ve now been told to stay at home
Whenever Yashvi plays,
You really need to heed her words,
Or she’ll end her footy days.

And who will come and buy your cakes
If you’re charged soon with assault?
You’ve no one else to blame for this,
Yes, it was all your fault!

So maybe go to yoga,
Do some quiet meditation,
Or very soon your own dear sis
Will haul you down the Station!

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